One Act Play: In the Army Now


General Hacker: So, Lt Col, you say the key element of this cost-cutting plan is a new contract for the enlisted soldiers.

Lt Col Paribus: That’s correct, sir. Put them all on zero hours contracts. This means that when they are not actually killing people we don’t need to pay them.

General Hacker: And what sort of reaction would you expect from these enlisted men?

Lt Col Paribus: Well, it would give them a chance to find part time work in civil society. Most employers think highly of soldiers, so it shouldn’t be difficult. And their husbands and wives will be delighted.

Padre Deanwater: Blessed are the meek.

Lt Darlington: Fuck off.

Col Bristle: And how would the civilian employers feel about their employees dropping tools and rushing off to fight for us when the need arises?

Lt Col Paribus: Well, most civilian jobs are zero hour contracts as well, so that shouldn’t bother them. What’s good for the goose … .

Mr Oswald: I am here today in my capacity as Minister for Finance, and would like to say that as this could affect 20 000 non-commissioned officers and other ranks, the additional tax brought in by them having two jobs would be most attractive to the Treasury.

Padre Deanwater: And blessed are the poor.

Lt Darlington: Fuck off.

Mr Fletcher: I represent industry and commerce and I believe that bringing in an extra 20 000 workers into the jobs market could play a positive role in reducing the pressure for wage increases and so see this initiative as a win-win.

Padre Deanwater: For they shall inherit the earth.

The Queen: And will this make my army more efficient and fight bravely, and win some wars?

Lt Col Paribus: Er, Your Majesty, I don’t think there was anything about wars and winning in the brief. But they’ll be good at marching. Smart. Good salutes.

Padre Deanwater: Let them eat cake.



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4 Responses to One Act Play: In the Army Now

  1. H Miranda says:

    You are such a card!

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