It’s a shopping day, folks, no battlefield action today.
The shops’ve just received a consignment of everything you just lurve, all the main brands, everything from baked beans and bananas to cornflakes and coffee. Just make sure you have your plastic with you; they ain’t gonna give you no credit.
And it’s a chance to get some letters to your loved ones into the post – remember to put a stamp on the envelope or mummy and daddy won’t get to know you love them.
On a more serious note, quite a few of you, especially you lot from the UK, aren’t really properly kitted out, and without the right gear you’re not any use to man nor beast – you’ll end up being selected for a suicide mission and that’s what you don’t want to happen. If any of you believe that there’s really a whole bunch of virgins waiting for you up there, forget it; despite what the social media is saying it just ain’t true. That story comes from a mis-translation some years back .
Ergo, for some of you, on your shopping list, make sure you’ve got Kalashnikovs, rocket launchers, ammo and so on. These are essentials; don’t forget them.
Discretionary purchases could include deodorants, a decent pair of designer sunglasses especially for if the cameras are rolling, maybe a black flag or two, and I’m told the latest design balaclavas are now in the stores.
Now, fellows, fellows, how do I put this, think about some basics such as underwear and socks. The stench coming out from some of your tents could attract a Crusader’s drone from miles off. Whiffy! I mean, get your act together. And think of buying some detergent and washing bowls so you can do your laundry. You’ve got to keep up your standards.
That’s it, I guess. Here comes the coach. And remember, shop wisely.