We had God on Skype earlier this week

“We had God on Skype earlier this week. He somehow got through to us even though He didn’t have permission. We were expecting Marcy and Jimmy in Oz but instead it was Him. A bit of a surprise.”

“Fantastic. Aren’t you lucky! So what did you chat about?”

“You know. This and that. War and peace. Greed and starvation. Bankers and wankers.”

“I bet He’s interesting. He knows a lot of stuff, I guess.”

“Well, He’s been around for a while, seen a lot of shit. Quite opinionated in some ways, but you’ve got to make allowances for someone that old.”

“Yeah, He’s old, isn’t He? You normally don’t think of Him like that. One forgets. Weird. So what does He look like?”

“Well, you know, a bit like the pictures. Not too old, not too young. A bit cloudy. Penetrating eyes. Wears a big white blouse thing. No halo actually. We asked about that and He just laughed. ‘Artistic license,’ He said. ‘Never had one of them. Wouldn’t have minded and did look around for one, but they don’t seem to exist outside of the art world.’ And spoke really well. We thought He might have a Jewish or Arab accent, but no, He speaks just like us. And not at all plummy. Funny thing is, Guilio Capeldi, remember him from that trip to Sicily, he’s visiting and was in the room at the time and he says God was speaking Italian. Mysterious.”

“So what did He want? Why did He call?”

“Nah, just for a chat. He says He likes to keep in touch and Skypes a few people every week. Between the lines it seems He doesn’t trust the feed-back from the archangels so He tries to build up a picture of the state of His patch – He refers to it as Godania – by speaking to us civvies. Getting it from the horse’s mouth, He says.”

“Did He say anything special? Lottery numbers? Offer to get your traffic tickets cancelled? How to bypass purgatory and Go Straight To Heaven?”

“Nah, not really. He was going on a bit about the Arab Spring and all that. He’s especially worried about Syria and how the world leaders will behave. He says they don’t often get it right. And they all claim He is on their side, but that’s bollocks, He says, because He’s not and if there’s any side that He is on, it’s His own. We said we thought Bush and Blair got it right, but He just shook His locks and looked sad.”

“I guess it’s a tough job that, being God. Do you think He ever looks to our leaders for, maybe, ideas on how to handle things? Did He talk about Obama at all?”

“Yeah. He mentioned him. Said He was quite excited at first, but is now a bit worried. The Middle East is a problem for him – it was His home ground, remember, that’s where it all started – and He’s not sure that anyone, even Obama, can fix it.

“Heavy, man, heavy.”

“Yeah, it was a bit. He didn’t really know who Mick Jagger is; was guessing and thought he was lead singer of Queen. Difficult to know what to say at times. But He seemed like a really good person so, you know, we stayed on line. Anyway, don’t be surprised if He contacts you sometime. We gave Him your number.

“Oh, one other thing. Jessie reckons it was a She speaking to us, that God is a woman. I’m pretty sure He’s a man. Once again, mysterious.”

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3 Responses to We had God on Skype earlier this week

  1. yarnspinnerr says:

    Brilliant. I enjoyed this one.

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